Still Wonder [OPEN]

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 10px 15px; color: #342403;] End of the last set, Ben's hair was heavy with sweat from sitting under the cheap can lights, his shoulders aching from being bent over the guitar sitting on an unpadded bar stool. But the house band was perfectly decent, the bartender had kept the whiskey and waters coming through the sets, and the crowd was heavy on working-class folks looking for a night out and light on hipsters being ironic, which was more than he'd expected out of a venue in New Hampshire. He looked up from the guitar, head tilted to one side and smiling that sly, bitter smile that was all stagecraft, his real smiles were wider and thinner and far less knowing. But the expression was wonderfully effective on stage, flirtatious and conspiratorial and just a little bit evil. No talking, he tried to minimize talking during his sets because he got mileage out of the accent. People never expected it, his singing voice was pure SAE. So there was just that moment of smiling acknowledgment before he played the opening chords of his last song of the night. I wonder about her, I wonder where she went from here. Still wonder about her, but nothing’s comin’ in too clear; since she left me all alone my days go by like years. Well I’m thinkin’ about her and all the things she used to say. Still I’m thinkin’ about her but something’s getting in the way. I remember when she told me she would up and leave me someday. I drive around in circles through the city just waitin’ for the lights to change. But right about when midnight hits me, the moonlight gets me feelin’ kind of crazy. The guitar solo for this piece was an easy one, good for the end of the night when he was feeling loose and tired . This whole number was good for that, the rasp of overuse in his voice was only a benefit and the weary droop of his shoulders matched the sentiment. I wonder about her, does she still wear that same old ring? I still wonder about her and I know it ain’t no big thing. Well she left me all alone now and I’m just waiting for my phone to ring. I’ve been dreaming about her, I guess I never really knew that living without her was more than I could ever do. Because she ain’t comin’ back, no she ain’t comin’ back, no she ain’t comin’ back cause there's nothin’ left to come back to. He let the final lick hang in the air, smiling as the applause rose up with that staccato rumble that he sometimes thought he'd been chasing his entire life. He leaned into the mike and smiled out at the crowd with his eyes dropped mostly closed. "Thanks for comin' out tonight, s'been a right good hell of a show." All these years and his Manc accent was still as strong as ever. "I'm Ben Crewe, these guys you all know already, and it's been good meeting you, Nashua. Buy a lotta booze so they'll have me back someday." Grinning at the laughter and applause, Ben unplugged and gave a final lazy wave and then stepped off the stage without further fanfare, ducking into the back to stow his axe. He came back out a few minutes later and ordered a scotch and water from the bar, did the little bit of circulating and chat that the folks seemed to want, and then slipped out to the patio for a breath of fresh air and a break from the heat and noise of the bar. There were a couple of people out there already, mostly smokers grabbing a cigarette or people chatting into cell phones. Fine by Ben, he was only too happy to lean back against the rail fence surrounding the deck and close his eyes for a second, let go of the performance mindset and come back into himself. When he opened his eyes again he saw that somebody was standing against the fence just a few feet down. He gave a lazy smile and ran his hand back through his hair, the locks hanging heavy with cooling sweat. "Hey. S'nice out here, fresh air is good."

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/2mrw5xv.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: Still Wonder - Jonny Lang Notes: Not the best opener ever, but I was trying for a mood.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

One year. It had one year since he had lost his pelt. It itched at his skin, the way a dry day would. Alex pursed his lips, tight and thin but controlled the anger. But the anger was easier than the fear and the potential other feelings that Alex didn't want to deal with. He listened in the very back behind the rest of the crowd.

Although he wasn't one for fancy clothes Alex had dressed up for the occassion. He had cut his hair back slightly, and wore the navy blue suit that he saved only for special occassions. Alex wanted to look his best so that he might impress Ben and make this whole ordeal a bit easier to swallow. Though he was already regretting coming. It was easy to resist Ben when he was far away from him and ever since he had left he felt free again despite the pain in his gut that told him he would never get back to the sea without his pelt.

The stir in his belly was faint but Alejandro was unhappy with it nonetheless. The only reason he was here was to get his pelt back. Not to see Ben. Not to see the man who took his whole world from him and flipped it around. He almost sighed. This was ridiculous. Just hearing Ben's voice caused him to falter and he almost forgot his original purpose completely. Be calm. Be harsh but reasonable.

As Ben went to take a break Alex followed him just a little bit behind. Close enough to watch him carefully but far away enough to not be noticed until he finally came to a stop and saw him. Alex froze at being addressed but then relaxed realizing Ben didn't know who he was. "It is lovely out here." Alex replied in his normal soft murmur, stepping forward with his hands in his pants pockets. "Hello Ben. It's been a while." He get his gaze firm and disinterested, wanting nothing more than to get his pelt and flee the spot as soon as possible before any more stirrings could erupt within him.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] With that first soft syllable Ben's eyes snapped open wide and his whole focus was on Alex. All the lazy droop was gone from his posture, he was wholly and completely present and the muscles along his jaw already tightening with stress and restraint. It had been months. Forever, it seemed like. No word, no sign of him. How many nights had Ben scanned the back of the crowd, waiting to see him? How many times had he deliberately left his motel room window open, the drapes pulled back so that Alex could find him and start shouting at him to give the pelt back? So much waiting and here he was, looking stiff and wrong in the well-cut suit, wrong enough that Ben had to tighten his hand on his glass to keep from reaching up and running his fingers through that streaky brown hair to free it from that ordered perfection, he wanted to shove the stupid jacket back off Alex's shoulders and steal his tie, grip wrinkles into that crisp oxford cloth shirt until he could get his selkie (his, goddamnit, Alex belonged to him in ways that had nothing to do with the pelt) laughing and pissed at the same time. He swallowed, hating himself a little for showing the nerves but it was so unexpected that he wasn't able to keep it off his face. "Alex." At least his voice wasn't all breathy and strange, though his accent thickened noticeably, that nasal north country England sound that Americans sometimes called 'Scottish' just because they're ignorant bastards. "You b'n gone a long time. I looked for you but--" he broke off and took a swallow of whiskey to cover the grimace. Surprise was making him stupid, he shouldn't be giving away the advantage like this. "You catch the set?" That was better, more arrogant and less needy and never mind that Ben suspected that his eyes were far too intent, far too wanting as he looked Alex up and down and silently cursed that stupid, all-wrong suit for hiding so much of the other man from his eyes.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i54.tinypic.com/4ue2hf.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: He's just not nearly as cool as he likes to think that he is.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Bitterness shot through his mind but he kept his gaze and expression steady so not to betray his anger or how upset he was. "Been around trying to get used to the new life I have." He had been perfectly happy with his life in the sea but he was forced to adapt. It wasn't as if Alex didn't like the land. He loved the warm sand beneath his toes, the wind rustling through his hair and even enjoyed the perks of humanity. But the ocean would always be his true home. If only he could...he could just feel the waves on his pelt just one... but even standing in front of Ben now that hope dwindled. He didn't understand how heartbroken Alejandro was not being able to get back to the waters that had nurtured him for centuries.

Alex almost laughed out loud. Did he catch the set? If he had really been off the wall he would have yelled. But control was better. Much better. "Yes, your singing is even better than I remembered." He let out his praise soft and gentle. It was the honest truth and there was no reason not to say it though he did hate stroking the other man's ego. It already was far too blown up for him to handle.

"You know why I'm here." Alejandro quickly added the last words so Ben wouldn't get the wrong idea. "I want my pelt back." He didn't want Ben...no no no. His stomach churned knowing he was lying to himself but he had been on that ship before and it hadn't ended well. Alex averted his gaze, letting his eyes stare down at the ground as he chewed at his lip to keep from fidgeting another way.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Ben felt a flash of rage, searing and irrational, at Alex for bringing up the goddamned pelt already. He couldn't talk a little first? Months without seeing him, and after one lackluster sentence about his singing it was right back to the sealskin. He couldn't even pretend that anything else mattered? Two long swallows drained his glass and Ben set it on the top board of the rail fence with a muted tapping sound. "You always want the pelt back. So that you can leave m--so that you can leave again, and this time never look back. Go back to the water and forget all about the lazy, lackluster creatures up here." He kept his voice muted, too many people around to overhear, but the bitterness was right there for Alex to hear. He looked down at Alex, using the scant few inches of height advantage that he had. "Why so desperate all of a sudden. Months and there's not a word of you, I figured you'd forgotten all about me and the pelt both. In such a rush to get away you couldn't even wake me on your way out the door or leave a note." He was being bitchy, but Ben really couldn't stop himself, no more than he could keep the plaintive overtones completely controlled. Alex had left him, he'd left right when Ben thought that maybe there was something real to be had.

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[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro scowled, not up for fightning but not backing down either. "Well, what am I supposed to do? Forget the home I can never go back to without my pelt? Forget where I come from and just deal with the cards I've been given? I want to go home. At least. I just want to see my family." Sure, some of them came up every now and then to have a good time with the mortals but they also found their pelts. Alex was the only one who hadn't been strong enough or smart enough to get his back. Or maybe he hadn't wanted it back in favor of...he shrugged the thoughts away. They didn't matter.

He scuffed at the ground with his shoe, looking back up at Ben with eyes full of turmoil. "You don't take things seriously, Ben. Did you think we were going to live happily ever after? I doubt that would have happened. Maybe a few more intimate moments and we'd burst back out into fighting and I'd want to leave again. I don't know what you expect out of this." Alejandro winced.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Ben turned his head sharply to the side, a motion almost alarmingly like he'd just been physically struck. In fact he was just glaring down at a dark patch on the wooden decking because no way could he meet Alex's eyes right now. "You're a right son of a bitch, you know that?" A muscle in his jaw jumped, and by now no matter how quiet they were being people around them had started to notice. The pair of men were radiating so much stress and misery that you'd have to be blind and deaf not to realize that something was going on between them, and the thin crowd out here was starting to give them more and more space for whatever drama they were enacting. Forcing himself to look back up, Ben didn't exactly decide to reach out for Alex's tie, start reeling him in toward him with it, but his hand was moving before he could second guess. He wasn't going to tug the other man if Alex really fought the pull, that kind of physical fighting was no part of whatever fucked-up thing they had that passed as a 'relationship'. But his body (his heart, not that he would ever admit it) craved Alex's, wanted him in close. Still trying for angry, he hissed out, "I was willing to admit the possibility. Twenty years of one night stands and stupid flings an' I was willing to at least try. But I guess you weren't. Like you say, you'd just want to leave again." Bastard. Not that the anger was enough to get him to stop trying to draw Alex in closer, pull him into physical contact. "Was it just another play? 'Nother way to try and get the pelt outta me? Did you search the room before you left, hopin' it'd be under the nightstand?"

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[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro's eyes widened in surprise as Ben tried drawing him close. He was so taken a back he just let it happen, almost tripping over his own feet in the process. He blinked in surprise, the anger momentarily dissipating as he found them barely inches a part. What...wait, what had they been talking about? His head was a bit dizzy but he quickly got back on track, not wanting to be caught off-guard again.

"It's not like I'd leave forever!" The anger flared back up again as he struggled to find a way to defend himself. "I slept with you because I love you!" ...backpedal! He pulled back gently, not wanting to physically strugle but desperately trying to get away from what he just admitted. "Loved you." Alex didn't want to admit his feelings still, confused and lost whenever he dealt with the. He took a deep breath and swallowed. "I left. I just left. You know I didn't look for it." Alejandro had been so confused after their...after what they had done he had just left. Took his stuff and was out the door.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] If Alex hadn't said...that, it's even possible that Ben would have let go of him when he tried to draw back. As it was, he released that stupid, stiff tie and reached down to catch his belt buckle instead, hauling the smaller man even closer. He didn't grind them together or anything, but if Alex seriously thought that he was going to let him escape after saying all that he was out of his fishy little mind. He pulled the selkie in until they were belly to belly, conceding just enough to slide his hand around to the side of Alex's belt but keeping a very firm hold. "You left. And how the hell am I supposed to believe that you'd come back once you had the pelt? How am I meant to think that you're not going to just bugger off into the waves and forget all about me? Fifty years pass and I'm just one more wrinkled old nancy in a nursing home when you happen to give a thought and come up to air." Leaning in closer, bending down onto Alex until their foreheads touched, Ben ground out, "You want to go away and take the last magic in my life with you. I can't let that go. Can't. Christ, Alex, did you really think it was something we'd forget?"

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i53.tinypic.com/bjd17a.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: Such a drama queen. Also a fast worker, apparently.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro let out a squeak of surprise, his eyes getting even wider. He was caught off guard again and was unsure of what to do. Ben still had a strong hold. It was so familiar and comforting yet…he was disconcerted at the same time. He didn’t want to be trapped. But at the same time Ben…he felt like home…well, a second home anyway. “I left because I didn’t know what was going on. You’ve had your flings but that was my first time…” He flushed, pursing his lips before also saying, “I didn’t understand…I still don’t understand all of this.” Alex took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves, closing his eyes as if that would clear his head if he didn’t see Ben right in front of him.

“I can’t forget you that’s the problem.” His brow furrowed slightly, “I can’t forget you…but I know you don’t understand. You don’t understand how the ocean calls to me. If you keep me trapped like some precious china doll and never let me be free I’ll hate you for it. I m-may…I may care for you but I’ll never forget you denying my happiness.” It was a fine line. Alejandro knew that the ocean was a seductive mistress and that it would be hard to go back and forth between Ben and the sea but…if he was forced on the land alone to never feel his home again… The thought sent frightened shivers down his spine. It was a cold, lonely feeling.

Instantly skin was against skin. The touch was like wildfire. His whole body heated up within an instant at the contact. Alex’s eyes opened again with surprise as his fluster returned dark and red. They were too close, much much too close. His mind was starting to get fuzzy again, and he struggled to breathe. “I…I can’t think like this, Ben. L-let me go.” His voice slurred into an almost whine.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] "Not yet." Ben slid his hand around to the small of Alex's back under the suit coat, the crisp bodywarmed cotton of the selkie's shirt under his palm, the slick satiny coat lining against the backs of his fingers, and more important, far more important, the shape of Alex's body under the cloth. Good, too good, and he was getting a little dizzy himself. He could smell Alex's skin and soap and the chemical perfume of his shaving cream, he had him again if only for five minutes and letting go would be flat-out impossible. He bent his head and kissed at the side of Alex's throat right above the crisp hard line of the shirt collar. "Come home with me tonight," he muttered without lifting his mouth off the fine, barely stubbled skin. People were staring, there'd be gossip, but Ben could really give a shit. He was leaving tomorrow at noon, and his sexuality was an open secret in the industry, he never played it straight except on stage. "Come to the hotel, we'll talk." And do other things. Many, many, many other things.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/2ms0c2s.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: He's almost seeing reason. Almost.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alex felt himself leaning in closer as if he needed the other man’s touch to live and breathe. He shivered, the touch-even with the cloth blocking it- sent sparks down his skin. He felt himself losing it like he had that first time. Too much heat. Alex whimpered needily in response to the kiss on his neck and his hands clutched tightly at Ben’s arms, keeping himself steady so he wouldn’t fall over. He had to bite his lower lip to keep in more embarrassing noises, unhappily aware of his urge to just let Ben take him somewhere nice and dark and finish this.

Hotel. That word brought him back and he stumbled away, eyes wild with something akin to fear. Alex’s voice shook with passion as he tried to regain his focus. “N-no. We go to that hotel room and I know what will happen. I want to talk…not…not forget about this mess by having sex.” Alejandro kept his words even softer than usual, wary of the stares and people eyeing them. He didn’t like having this much attention. “I want you to listen to me.” His voice was hoarse from the strain of ignoring his desires. Alex wanted Ben badly. The touches weren’t enough but he also didn’t like being unheard. This wasn’t some one-sided conglomeration of emotions- if this was to be a real relationship then Alex wanted to make sure that he had a voice in it.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Ben scowled as Alex broke away like he was hurting him. "So what, you want to finish this conversation here?" He jerked his chin at the Wednesday night crowd at a blues bar in New Hampshire. "When the time comes in this conversation when we start shouting, d'you really want to be here, surrounded by auto mechanics and copy store managers and secretaries?" His jaw tightened and relaxed as he stared his--stared Alex down. "Do I need to promise to padlock my fly shut to get you to see some sense? You say you want to talk, fine, but here's not the place for it. At least the hotel's private." He shouldn't have reached out again, shouldn't have touched Alex again so soon. But dear Christ, it had been months and it was like the world had just gone from black and white to Technicolor. Or maybe like being drunk for the first time in a long while. He wasn't entirely in his own control. And so he grabbed the end of Alex's tie again. Didn't yank it forward, not this time, but he took a firm hold and forced eye contact. "Don't be dramatic. Come back to the hotel, we'll talk. Either before or after, whichever you want." He wasn't even conceding the possibility of the sex not happening.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i56.tinypic.com/346tk47.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: It's almost as though he's capable of logic.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro had to force back any recurring anger that wanted to lash out and tightened his hands into fists for a moment before loosening them up again and trying to act like a rational human being. Ben was hard to deal with sometimes but he had to be the calm level-headed one so things didn’t get up boiling into some over-the-top shouting match and fight of words. He wasn’t in the mood to get his feelings ripped to shreds.

Instead of talking about how Ben needed a bit of sense himself, he buried down those tight words wanting to get out and nodded, “All right. The hotel room it is. But if you don’t listen to me and I mean actually listen- no lip service- really listen… I won’t hesitate to leave.” Alex sighed, leaning closer when Ben tugged him by the tie. He added more soft words, trying to keep Ben’s temper down and help him see reason too. He didn’t want to rile him up with threats of leaving but it was the only leverage he had. “I don’t want to leave. I just…don’t want to be trapped either.”

“Talking, before anything happens,” Alejandro kept his voice feather-light, reaching up with his hands to take hold of the large warm one that was holding him in place. He resisted the urge to lean on Ben, though it was powerful. Comfort. Alex wanted that so badly and now that it was tangible and in his reach it was hard to not just hug Ben here and there and start bawling and being an utter fool. He cared for him far greater than he showed but that was only because he felt like he needed to be the rational one in this…well, whatever this was. “I’ll go with you. I won't dissapear or anything, I promise.”

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] The urge was there to grab at Alex, spin them both around and pin him back against the fence, kiss him until he repeated that promise not to go. But that wasn't right, wasn't fair and Ben was supposed to be at least pretending to be fair. So instead of kissing the taste of those words out of Alex's mouth Ben just squeezed his hand for a minute and then reached into the pocket of his artfully battered jeans and pulled out his keys. "I'll go get my stuff. It's the same truck, the black Element. Wait for me? I won't be long." It was a mark of trust, proof that Ben was at least trying to do this properly. Not handing Alex the keys, that was easy. But letting the selkie go, sending him out of his sight. Alex had to know how badly Ben wanted to demand that the other man not go out of arm's reach, stay where he could see him as proof of that promise he'd just given. But he was trying, poor as that attempt might be, and so he pressed the keys into Alex's hand with only a single extra squeeze to it and headed into the bar again to pick up his guitar, his cords and board, and his paycheck. It took him fifteen minutes or so to finish up his business and then he came back out with that long-limbed, dropped-shoulder stride of his, arrogant even in the way he moved across a parking lot. He popped the back of the truck and stowed his gear, trying to look like he was not even one tiny bit nervous that Alex might not be there.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i54.tinypic.com/4ue2hf.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: The Brick House - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: He's trying. Within his severe limitations.