Still Wonder [OPEN]

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro hadn't expected this amount of trust so soon. Ben had seemed ready to force Alex to go wherever he wanted...the fact that he was doing this floored him. He smiled gently, taking the keys and nodding, "I know the one." He felt the rough edges of the keys for a moment before sneaking a last glance at Ben's backside and heading to the car.

The walk was uneventful except for the occassional glance in his direction by someone who had witness the little scene from a few minutes ago. Alex ignored them and just continued on, finding the car and plopping into the passanger's seat. It was comfortable, just like he remembered. There were night spent talking- well, mostly yelling- in these seats. It nearly made him laugh.

As soon as the back door opened, Alex turned around a bit in his seat, shifting so he could see Ben packing up his stuff. He smiled a bit, just watching the man who was trying so hard to be in control and not seem affected by him. "How long is the drive to the hotel?" It was a silly question but Alex didn't really want to just come out and say something stupid like he was there. He wanted to announce his presence discreetly.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Trying for casual, trying not to show the relief at seeing Alex sitting there (where he belonged), Ben slid into the driver's seat and said, "Not far, it's just down the street." He was glad he'd chosen a decent place this time. Nothing phenomenal, it was just a Radisson, but it was clean and the room was a mini-suite with a screened-off sitting area, there was even room service. A lot of times on the road Ben stayed in fleabags, but the truth was that he did it as part of the theater of the bluesman and because he had a thrifty turn of mind that came from being raised with money but by parents who'd grown up without it. One of the greatest secrets of Ben's life was the very healthy investment portfolio he maintained, he wasn't exactly rich but between his investments, royalties from the three CDs he'd put out, and the hefty inheritance he would receive when his parents died (not that he was in any rush for that to happen, of course), there was no reason not to expect that Ben would die a wealthy man. At any rate, what mattered was that the room he was in tonight was clean and decent, no shootings in the parking lot or bedbugs around the headboard. He got them headed toward it and when he had to stop at a red light Ben looked over at Alex and broke the short silence that had fallen to say, "It's not with me. It's nowhere near here, no place I can get to tonight no matter what we decide." He snuck another glance over at Alex as the light changed. "Just...want to be sure you understand that going in. It's not a play or a threat, just tellin' you that it's not under the bed or anything." This was a level of honest, or at least of fair, that Ben had never tried for before tonight. It would be going too far to say that he was done playing games, but there was something raw in him tonight. Too long without his selkie, too many night of wondering if he'd ever be able to sing or travel or fuck the loneliness away, to fill the hole Alex had left in his gut when he disappeared. It was keeping Ben honest, or rather it was keeping him honest about his heart. He'd never been much of one for random lying.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2qs1k79.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: In Transit - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: Giving this his best shot. I expect the strain to be too much for him any time now and him to revert to his asshole ways.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro hadn’t expected a miracle. And Ben, with his damn clinginess to that pelt, would never keep it with him. “It’s locked away. I figured.” There wasn’t even a hint of disappointment in his voice. Things could never be that easy especially not for him. “Not that I blame you… completely…” Their connection- whatever this rise of passion and affection between them was- was almost frighteningly strong. Ben didn’t want to let that go. Neither did Alex to a certain extent as long as he could keep some of his freedom. Being without his ocean, his birthplace was like being without air. It was a daily struggle that often left him irritated or just plain depressed.

Curious, gentle eyes stared at Ben for a moment, gazing at him inquisitively. There was no lust. Just a simple observation as Alex tried for a sliver of a smile again, “You never change, do you? You look exactly the same.” Still with that scruffy sort of charm and that air to him that just barely balanced the line between arrogance and confidence. “I really am sorry for leaving like that. It wasn’t fair to you. It was cruel.” He admitted finally after a bout of silence passed awkwardly. Alex let his gaze fall to the window, staring out and not willing to meet Ben’s gaze anymore.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] A quiet laugh, gentler than he'd have thought he could have been with Alex tonight. "A few more gray hairs, a few more wrinkles. And my hands are starting to ache in the cold." He was getting old, something he didn't even try to explain to Alex. He didn't figure the selkie could understand, not just the aches and pains but the fear and the knowledge that you just weren't going to conquer the world. That time was run out, that you yourself would have an end date. He parked at the back entrance closest to his room. When he cut off the engine Ben made the mistake of looking over directly at Alex and the want curled through his gut again. And more, harder to deal with, the emotional pull that had him wanting to do something utterly humiliating like lean over and rest his head on Alex's shoulder, beg him not to go again. Maybe even cry a little. Not quite far enough gone to do that, but not able to just let go of the moment either, Ben reached over and touched his fingertips to Alex's temple, trailed the touch down to his jaw. "It hurt," he said, gentle enough that the words were a sort of absolution. "But Christ knows I gave you reason enough to run. I've been cruel to you since I met you, and only worse when I fell in love with you. You were entitled." His fingertips lingered on Alex's jaw for a moment and then he had to move, had to let him go or he wasn't going to be able to stop touching him and it would turn back into sex. "Let's get inside?" He grabbed his boxes out of the trunk and led Alex into the perfectly anonymous hotel room, and yet it couldn't really be mistaken as being occupied by anyone but Ben. He wasn't methodical by nature, but years on the road had taught him to be tidy with his things, to always set them in the same place in the same way so that he wouldn't leave essential equipment behind. You only had to lose one mixing board to learn the lesson. And so there were four guitar cases leaned against the wall, Ben slotted in the fifth and set the board case and looped cables beside them. His suitcases were stacked right where they always were, at the right side of the bed, it was a sure bet that his shampoo and razor and so on would all be lined up on the back of the toilet the way they were in every room he stayed in, whether it was a fifteen buck a night fleabag or a suite at the Ritz. When you spend your life on the road, you learn to make home where you can. Awkward now that they were inside, Ben looked around and finally grabbed the room service menu, handed it to Alex. "I need to clean up." He always came off stage sweaty and sticky, it bugged him not to change and clean up. "Order me a club sandwich and a thing of orange juice and get whatever looks good for you? I'll be right back." He grabbed a clean black t-shirt out of his suitcase and headed into the bathroom, mopped himself up, washed his face and brushed his teeth, wet down his hair and combed it back. The couple of minutes to clean up gave him a chance to calm himself, get his metaphorical feet under him, and when he came back out into the sitting area he felt much more like himself. And yet apparently there was still something different in tonight, because when Ben dropped down to sit on the hard, narrow couch and ran a hand back through his damp hair instead of immediately baiting Alex toward a fight he asked calmly, even gently, "Tell me about it? Tell me what's gone on the past few months?"

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/2mrw5xv.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: In Transit - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: He's far more honest with himself than I was expecting out of him.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alex let his eyes flicker around Ben, taking him in and then smiling with a shake of his head, “Nothing noticeable to anyone but you. You don’t need to worry about something so silly with me.” Appearances were nice but fleeting. It was only a matter of time before any human turned old. Alejandro wasn’t in danger of losing his looks quite yet but one day would come where it would start to get closer to the end to him if he lived without anyone killing him.

He gasped at the touch, his lips parting slightly from his surprise as Alex watched Ben with even more curiosity than before. It was always so shocking that one touch could render him practically helpless against this man. Those words didn’t help and he forced himself to remain painfully still and not lean into the touch as Ben took his fingers away to get out of the car. Love? He hadn’t though… well…not from him… it was shell-shocking. Alex swallowed deeply, nodding but then realized that at the current angle and murmured a quick yes.

Alex nodded, sitting at the bed and sighing at how comfortable it was. He made good money doing what he did but usually kept to cheap places because he wanted to save up the money in case of an emergency. Alejandro did not like being unprepared and being caught unawares and that was most likely to happen to him-knowing his luck- if he spent all his money. Maybe he caught his cheap habits from Ben? Either way all that mattered was that it seemed like this would be a reasonable conversation. Maybe something more but he needed to keep his head clear and out of the gutter.

“Could I have a club sandwich, an orange juice, a pizza and a diet coke, please?” His voice murmured into the phone, glad that the girl on the other end heard his voice despite the low tone. Alex hated when people asked him to speak up. It was just a little hard to keep his voice up and keep it gentle at the same time. His voice turned rough and almost irritating to his own ears when he yelled.

More surprise. When Ben didn’t immediately set out a hook to catch him in a fight, Alex was taken off guard. He stumbled to find his words for a moment before shrugging. “I got a job as a reporter to support myself. A good job. Just freelance and nothing special but it pays the bills and gives me something to do.” Alex bit his lower lip. “I just went from place to place not really staying anywhere long.”

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Veteran of the road, Ben asked, "Looking to find something? Or to get away from something?" That second 'something' pretty much inevitably being him, but right this second he couldn't find it in him to blame Alex for that. He had been cruel to the selkie, he'd known it at the time and he knew it now. He'd just managed to convince himself that Alex must not mind that, or even must like it or else he would have left long before. It was stupid. Selfish. And while it wasn't like Ben was experiencing some miraculous personality reversal, he was able to be honest with himself and with Alex for at least this five minutes. Ben had a black elastic hair tie around his wrist, he started raking his hair back with his fingers, smoothing it until he could gather it into a low ponytail and twist the elastic around it. He was watching Alex the whole time, the motions of his hands in his hair smooth and automatic--something he'd done so often in his life that he didn't think about the movements any more. And yet Ben never wore his hair tied up except in private situations, he didn't like how it showed the scars on the right side and back of his neck, the ones that spread down across the back of his right shoulder like crack-marks in glass. The scars made him vulnerable, something Ben was never okay with being. But tonight he just went ahead and pulled his hair back, he kept offering Alex these odd, intensely personal gestures of trust because he was just never going to be any good at saying aloud the kinds of things that Alex had the right to hear.

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i53.tinypic.com/bjd17a.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: Radisson Hotel - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: Poor boys. Seriously, my heart hurts for both of them.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alex shrugged, "Both probably. I found another selkie and tried stealing his pelt but it didn't work. I did anything to not think about you but...here I am..." He hesitated before deciding it was now or never. Alex knew he had to be honest if they were to pick up they and moved on to make this relationship work.

"I have to tell you something but you have to promise not to get angry at me," Alex's eyes stayed on the ground, his leg shaking from nerves that he couldn't seem to be able to stop. In order to try to find sense in all of these strange new feelings Alejandro had gone out looking for anything to compare it to. He had a couple short relationships, where nothing physical happened but he was testing the waters and seeing if similar feelings erupted. Then Alex had tried for a one-night stand that had been offered to him by a very good-looking man around the age of twenty two who had bought him a drink at a bar. All three of this flings had ended rather abruptly and were not full of the warmth he had felt with Ben. Alex was terrified at Ben's reaction to his next words, afraid he would burst out of the gentleness he had been supplying into more yelling and fighting. "No yelling or fighting. Just talking."

On the other hand a crushing jealousy enveloped Alex as he thought about it. Ben had been with many people-many flings before him- and it felt hard to trust that this was special and he wouldn't be abandoned for an easier and prettier lay. And...Ben could have had some flings while Alex had been gone. That thought was the most terrifying even though he had done it himself.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] Ben's mouth tightened, figuring that it was a sure bet that whatever Alex had to say next he wasn't going to like it. And yet they were talking, talking instead of screeching or tossing hurtful words back and forth. It was good enough, important enough, for Ben to answer cautiously and honestly, "I'll try. I can't promise, but I will try." He had a sudden strong desire to go over to the wall and pull out a guitar. The battered but beautiful old Selmer that was the instrument he wrote all his music on, the one he rarely-to-never took onto stage. He could sit and pull the smooth, worn wood flat against his belly, play idle chords and harmonies over the strings and feel safe. Protected. Again, he managed not to do it though Ben wondered a little where this courage was coming from, and suspected that it wasn't going to last forever. While he had it, he watched Alex cautiously and asked, "What do you want to say to me?"

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i54.tinypic.com/4ue2hf.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: Radisson Hotel - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: Some of the scariest words in the English language.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Silence was the only thing that came out at first. Alejandro swallowed hard as he tried to figure out what to say. "I...I didn't know what this was at first, like I told you...well, before..." The hesitance was hard to get over. He felt full of shame and also frightened that Ben would lose it and all this control and calm that they had harnassed to talk would disappear. "I wanted to make sure this was the real deal. That I do...That I do love you." He cleared his throat, tugging at his tie. "So I...experimented a little." It sounded terrible, especially to his own ears. He'd be surprised if Ben kept his cool after that. "I...got together with a couple men. Just to see if I felt the same vibe. Only one was...well, I slept with one of them."

Alex closed his eyes tightly, as if awaiting for the true storm to arrive. "None of them lasted. Very short. I...I didn't feel anything like I feel for you so...I guess...I answered my own question." His eyes were still shut, his hands going up to almost shield his face as he feared what Ben would think. Would Ben hate him now? Would he try to trap him even more so than before?

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] That wasn't what Ben had been expecting to hear, and he held very still for a minute while he thought it through. His first instinct was that he wasn't pissed. And then he decided that he was. And then that he wasn't again. He still wanted his guitar, though. And maybe a joint. Ben ran a hand across his mouth, giving himself one more chance to decide that he was angry if that was going to happen. What he said next was, "That...was probably a good thing, as long as nothing happened to hurt you or--" he wasn't sure what the 'or' was, tried it again from the top. "I didn't know you hadn't before. I just assumed you had. I thought, I don't know, that it was inevitable that you had. If I'd known maybe I would have done things different. Or maybe not." Was that better? He wasn't sure. "You know you weren't my first, and I don't figure getting all pissed at each other about that is going to get us anywhere good." He scratched the side of his neck, the right side of it always felt tight at the end of a long day. "Alex, you know what I want. Same thing I have from the minute I saw you step up out of the pelt. I want you with me. I want you to--I just want you." His mouth twisted, the instinct to soften that statement was almost impossible to resist. "So just...can you just tell me the truth here? Is this about getting the pelt back? If it is I--" he couldn't promise not to be angry, but managed, "I'll deal. I'll deal with it. But you've got to just say that, please. Because if you're going to disappear again, I need to know it. I need to have that in my mind."

[atrb=style, background: url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2qs1k79.jpg) right bottom no-repeat; padding: 20px 320px 20px 20px; font-variant: small-caps; height: 357px; color: #342403;][atrb=valign, top] Location: Radisson Hotel - Nashua, NH Music: A Quitter Never Wins - Jonny Lang Notes: Wow, emotional maturity. I was not ready for that.

[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alejandro looked up at Ben with those wide, surprised eyes again. He was taken aback. No anger? No urge to yell and shout at him? "Oh...oh..." Relief would have washed over him but he was still wary of the probable blowing up that could still happen. The cautious uncertainty remained but he wanted to pay attention to Ben's next words so he shaped up to listen.

He closed his eyes and just enjoyed that one phrase for a moment. I want you. It was honest, and filled to the brim with emotion but didn't have the usual possessiveness that tagged itself behind Ben's words towards him most of the time. "I want you to." The words felt strange and new on his tongue. He waited a few moments to just let Ben soak that up. "I...I just want my freedom too. At least...just a bit of it." They could compromise.... he hoped so anyway. "If I took your music away you wouldn't be happy. It's part of you. The ocean is part of me in the same way. I need it."

Alejandro abused his lip by biting and nibbling at it with his nervous fidgeting inevitable. "Just...I don't know...I want both. Why do I have to chose?" He knew that the sea would be hard to resist but if they figured out a plan than maybe this could work.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] "I know you need it." And of all the hard true things he'd said tonight, that was probably the hardest and the truest. "I've known for a while. Not from the beginning." He had to defend himself that far. It really had taken him a while to figure out just what he was stealing from Alex. At the time Ben had been so wrapped up in his selfishness and his sense of ill-usage that he hadn't been willing to accept it. "But I did figure it out. I was just--" he shook his head. "How was I supposed to go to you and say I was wrong? I don't...I just don't. Say that. Admit it. And you'd have left and never come back." At least he'd convinced himself that that's what Alex would do. Sitting on the hard little couch, ten feet away from Alex, watching the other man sit on the edge of the bed and all the reasons he had to close that distance between them, shove the smaller man back onto the bed and stop conceding so much, start taking instead. And the only reason he had not to was that he was in love for the first time in his life and he was finally figuring out that sometimes you have to value somebody else's happiness above your own. He wasn't totally sure that he was ready to actually act on that, but he was trying. For Alex, he could try.

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[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

Alex didn’t even know what to say at first. Would he have left? In the beginning yes but as things had progressed that certainty was hazy. He wouldn’t leave now, at least not permanently but even though he craved the love and affection of the man before him he also longed for the waves and the feel of his pelt again. “Just give me some of it.” Alejandro couldn’t help but beg. “I want to go back home and feel the ocean and see my family so bad.” He couldn’t help the hiccup as his eyes watered with unshed tears.

With strength of will that he hadn’t known he possessed Alex pushed down the urge to cry but still had that desperate look on his face. “Let me go back home. Just a couple days each month.” It would be tough…maybe even a strain but Alex wanted both worlds and the only way he could do that was to give Ben the better end of the deal. “I’ll be tempted to not give you back the pelt because that…that’s just how we are but we can plan a time and place and then you can take it again until the next time you let me free.”

He shook with fear still running through him. Ben had admitted he was partially wrong but would he let him go even that little amount of time? Alex forced his arms down, hands gripping the sheets on the bed so he wouldn’t try to huddle up and make a fool out of himself.

[BEN CREWE]

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[atrb=style, padding: 0px 15px 0px 15px; color: #342403;] "Fuck." Ben ran the heel of his hand across his eyes, not crying but it wasn't as far out of the question as it should have been and the rasp of callus across his eyelids helped those tears stay buried deep, where they belonged. Alex was saying all the right things, was promising to give him almost everything, and could he even begin to believe it? But then, could he risk not believing? The past months had proven that Alex could leave. Would. So take your pick, Crewe. Possibly lose him to the ocean, or definitely lose him to your own stubbornness and cruelty. Put that way it sounded so simple, but it wasn't simple, not at all. All that you love will be carried away. It was the title of, of all things, a Stephen King short story. A strange little set piece about the loneliness of the road and middle-class despair. But when Ben had first read that one phrase it had sent ugly chills down his back. It was the one thing he'd always feared, the hell he always knew was waiting for him. Not for any tidy reason that he could trace back to a single event in his life, nothing was ever that neat. But just because he feared it. Just because it was there and Ben had spent his entire adult life being chased by the certainty that all that he loved would be carried away. He dropped his hand and glared at Alex with pink-tinged eyes. "Fine. I've got a gig in Boston starting tomorrow, two nights and then there's a week break, that'll give us time to go get it." Ben had never wanted Alex to be able to find it, the spite and fear had made him awful. He'd shoved it into a safety deposit box in Kansas, wanting it as far from the sea as possible. "Can you wait that long?" The anger came out thin and pathetic, just a vehicle for the fear to ride.

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[ALEJANDRO SANCHEZ]

It…he was agreeing? Alex nodded slowly before blinking away the tears that now were coming full-force. In a week or so he’d see his family again and feel the ocean. And he still had Ben. “Yes… yes. I can wait that long.” After the endless months that amount of time was not that bad. He could wait. It was just a hop and a skip and he could practically feel his pelt back already and the way the tide caressed it like a lover.

Speaking of lover...Alejandro didn’t even notice the anger or the puffiness of Ben’s eyes as he slowly stood up. His legs felt wobbly but he ran over to Ben’s side as fast as he could, practically hugging the man’s knees. “Th-thank you…thank you.” He shook and if anyone had been observing the scene, they would have probably sneered at how disgraceful and pathetic he looked. Alex was just glad that he didn’t have to fight or have another yelling match with Ben over the whole affair. He could…he could have both and he hardly believed it.

There was a knock on the door and Alex, realizing what he was doing, pulled away from Ben and went back over to sit on the bed, embarrassed. His cheeks were flushed from crying as he avoided Ben’s gaze, not really sure how the singer had reacted to his little display. Okay...room service. It was only room service but his heart beat hard in his chest at almost being discovered by some stranger in that awkward position.